Mothers are the Hardest to let go

Last week was tough. The night after news of her mom, we went to the wake and for the first time in the 13years I've known her, Ive never seen her in that state. She was all skin and bones, her face had obvious wrinkles from the extreme loss of weight. I'm tearing even as I type these words. The moment I saw her, I almost cried...I hugged her and held her hands thinking this is my friend and I barely recognize her.

What emotional torture she mustve been through and right there it seemed as if she's suddenly so many more years my senior. These experiences kinda brought her to another plane in life and what words can you offer to someone who's walked a path you've never set foot on?

As friends who's been hanging around different stages of our lives, I wanted to protect her and hope to take away some of the hurt she's made to go through.

There are words that came out from her which I'll never forget. She speaks of the intense 3 hour talk she had with her mom...well, it's just her doing the talking while her mom drifts in and out of drugged consciousness. She tells her mom how much she loves her and to forgive her for all the hurtful things she'd said and thanking her for being her mom. These 3 hours were simply saying goodbye to her mom. This would be closure for them. Her mom did not open her eyes but trace knew she heard cos tears rolled down her mom's cheeks.

Finally its this sms I received from her saying how she couldnt stop crying and everything reminded her of mom. She cant believe mom's not coming back and she really misses her..

Have you ever missed someone so much, you dont wish to recover from it cos you fear it will make you forget them? Though it hurts viciously, you hang on not wishing to let it go and you rather go on hurting and hurting and hurting..

Oct 22nd 2006 Sunday 9:40am
Trxcx: Just to let you know..my mum is dying at d hospital now..dun ve 2 come 2 visit..really..I'll let u know when she pass away.

I woke up to that msg and could nv get back to sleep again. I asked when she thinks it will be...no reply

Oct 23rd 2006 Monday 10:30am
Trxcx: We're also not sure and donno whats next..will update u there re new devmts.

Oct 23rd 2006 Monday 7:55pm
Trxcx: My mum has passed away. am fine..she went peacefully while i was lying on her..

Trxcx was among the clique of friends I've know since sec 3. One year ago we went to her house for Chinese New Year. Six months ago we watched Dim Sum Dollies with her mom. I remember her mom's face and am glad memory of her stays that way.

If I can have things my way, I too would rather the chance to spend the last few minutes with my loved ones and watch them slip away. This then being called up and rushing down to find them already departed. It's like I missed some window of transistion from living to non.
Quirky, but I would like a final goodbye, a 'this is it' moment where I, with all knowledge of how absolutely no control I have of things to say: I am letting you go

Do we need a wake-up call every now and then to remind ourselves to speak more with our parents. Be kinder to them. Have ong chai soup vegetable for the past 3 meals consecutively and feel lucky there's even a meal on the table. It's a roll-coaster ride of emotions. We go all bad, feel guilty and it's hey mom/dad I love you again. Quite pathetic if you ask me, but it will always happen and that is a fact.

I stopped hugging my parents since....I cant remember when. However I do know it's only during Uni days whenever I depart from Singapore for Perth warrants me the chance to hug them goodbye. These hugs are warranted and now that I'm back for good. I no longer have any 'reasons' to hug them. Why does it take someone to leave before we feel 'safe' enough to extend those arms? And why did I just use the word 'safe'?

These days look at what sorry display I leave myself with: when my mom retires for the night, I would go to her room and chat with her till she drifts off to sleep. I would then back up against her back and feel her rythmic breathes and it will make me feel everything is all right again.

????

One of my favourite season: when the moon ripens in all fullness and some lady meets her beu on the moon. Chinese folklore amidst Mid-Autmn. Yummy mooncakes aside (as many yolks as possible!!) it's that season where I get to light things up and watch them burn. Literally

We were mad. PSI was at 150, still we soldiered on to Bishan Park and proceeded with lanterns, display of candles and added to the haze with the sparklers. Im not surprised if it peaked 300 at Bishan Park that night. Vain attempts to get into the mood, we brought out mooncakes and chinese tea, sipped at it while trying to make out where the darn moon was.

Checkout this burning heart some couples left behind. I pity the cleaner that comes in the morning, awful load of wax to clear off the ground. If you asked me, it would be easier if cleaner lights it on fire again.

Hungry, we headed off to MacDonalds somewhere in Ang Mo Kio. Thinking it was wee hours of a Sunday morning, parking coupon would not be needed. Halfway into our meal, some parking warden walked in and sat at the table beside ours. They looked absorbed, sorting out the day's records I suppose. I remember my friend was pointing them out to me, it's the parking warden. Looking at them, Im quite sure they bring waves of uneasiness wherever they go...

See this below? Never seen so many parking tickets put together like that. All four cars got it. Free parking on Sunday indeed. It only starts from 7am - 7pm! I wrote an appeal letter to HDB today, asking for leniency in the spirit of Mid-Autmn Festival! One wrote got Diahorrea, the other blamed it on the haze and the 4th simply paid up I think! My fingers are crossed but I'm quite interested to know which approach would appeal to them.

Are you still a 'grand..'?

Past saturday I was at church waiting for the service to start. I looked over the span of the hall and see groups of people having sabbath classes, there was my grandma sitting with her friend. Hers was the oldie group and I just stared at them. Old people coming to church faithfully every week. Most part of their lives have gone, having lived through all the experiences ,they still come without having seen the God they worship. Something must be working for them right?

I just sat there and looked at grandma, studying her, wondering how long more before I would not see her sitting there again. Then her friend must have spotted me, whispered to my grandma and both oldies looked back at me, I waved and they both waved back smiling. I felt warm all over and can never erase that sight.

Por por passed away and its been 5years? This is the only grandma I have left. After she's gone, Im no longer a grandchild or 'mei mei'. 3 weeks ago we celebrated her 84th at her brother's. This is the siblings. We sang her the birthday song and she wiped a tear away. It pains me cos I dont want to see grandma cry.

After por por's death, I feel vulnerable when Im with old people. When no one's looking, I find myself just staring at them, studying them...The lady above is my cousin's granny, not sure how old she is but old enough. This is her covering her mouth while she chews her food. So sweet right? So old already but still keeps her manners in check. I mean, I wont mind the slightest bit even if she's got food all over, it just amuses me. Sometimes I feel the older a person is...can I say the more discipline they have over themselves and their actions? I think they're beautiful.

My favourite pic of granny and grandpa and pic of por por with my brother.

Laosai boss is leaving the bank. He always calls me little jedi, in return I naturally address him as jedi master. When I left and rejoined the bank, I let known to him I'm still around, only that I'm in consumer banking. He said no wonder there's disturbance in the Force. .

It's been 8 months since I left private banking, now I'm finally returning, I hear of his soon departure. Funny but Im affected somehow. Cant say we worked long together but somehow he was able to influence me quite abit. In his way, he was mentoring me. How often do you get a boss that sits down with you, gives pointers on writing powerful emails? He's known to also attend conference calls with his staff, mutes the phone and prep his staff with strategic answers when the other party is being difficult. Knowing what to say and how to say it is a professional skill. He doesnt fight the battle for you, you fight it yourself aided by his guidance. Unfortunately, I dont get this. Most of my calls are fairly easy but there was one call I wished he was around, I got shot down by compliance.

Mornings when he catches me making cuppa coffee, he points accusingly at the cup why are you drinking this? Acid! It's acid! Followed by, I must tell you the acid story...

We have coded term for tea-break session. When it strikes four in the afternoon, you see someone walking up to your desk, you turn and look at him and expect either 1 of 2 things. Utterance of the word Eyebrow. Or him drawing his finger across his eyebrow. You'd know it's time for tea-break with him and his gang. Why eyebrow? It sparked off cos of a malay lady who serves at ah mei kaya toast. She shaved off her eyebrows just to draw it back again real thin and heavily arc-ed. He was clearly amused by that and it became a thing ever since. A funny character, but commanded alot of respect nonetheless. I wish him life's best.

Roadtrip on Wheelies..

We did just that. My friend has a pair of foldable bikes kept at the back of the family car which her parents use to ride out at East Coast Park. She happen to drive the car today and wheee we headed off to Seletar Air Base. She, with blazing determination to desparately lose calories and me with burning passion to explore the air base. Perfect! Parked the car near Kingfisher Bar & Restaurant and cycled first to Sunset Grill & Bar on these cool little darlings.

There were lots of vacant buildings around, believe it used to be for military use. Set your directions to East Camp and you'll be en route to Sunset Grill. This place really doesnt feel like Singapore. You know your nearly there when you see these. I love the retro street lamps!

We reach our destination and rewarded ourselves with ice-cold beer and calamari. While walking, I spotted a pineapple growing off its bush!

Next, we headed off and cycled just about anywhere the road takes us. It's not in the pics but there was a street named Knight's Bridge. Sounds really medieval.

Clear skies, bare trees, there are houses with residents...mostly occupied by angmohs. Was informed the rental is at least 2k per month and you gotta sign up at least 2 years. Had crazy thought of renting one with some friends for couple of months. Split the rental, head off to work and come home to daily BBQs and hangout talks. With the huge gardens there, you can easily play volley, badminton or softball.

Dempsey I love you..
Yesterday evening I was whisked away by friends who snuck me to a seculded wine-dine watering hole The Wine Network hidden deep within dempsey road. Rustic and amid lush greenery, we chose alfresco and I could truely see stars. This is some cool place I'm determined to explore furthur in the day. There were standalone buildings which were deserted scattered across the dim compound. I wonder what's the story to this secret garden. We had pizza, chicken drumlets which when served hears cries of missy J exclaiming how the portion has shrunk. Also smoked salmon salad and washing all these down with a bottle of white. A red followed soon after and missy kept refilling my glass, before long I was flying.

High but not gone, though I clearly do not recollect seeing the waiter set the glass of warm water and piece of lemon in front of me. A turn of head and hey these items magically appeared. Times like these I know I could sleep forever, something which I've been seriously deprived of. They sent me home and I made a beeline for bed. It was only quarter to eleven and I totally knocked out, waking up at 4am to have the runs. I hate those. It didnt feel right at 4ish, my head was still spining and my tummy quisy. Drifting inbetween consciousness, I was worried about how I could drag my hangover body to work and stay upright for rest of the day. I must've squeezed in more solid sleep between that couple of hours, at half-past 8 I jumped right out and headed out to face the world. Thankfully most part of my hangover was gone, I just had more runs at work and couple before and during this blog entry. It sucked, now my tummy feels tortured as if I managed a million sit-ups. Nonetheless I found myself a new playground and this will certainly keep me busy for couple of weeks. The place reminds me of Sunset Grill & Pub, another rare discovery. It's not everyday you drive right up and park next to planes eh. It's in the plans to bring our bikes down and cycle out the vicinity. I might just do that for dempsy .

After discount...$6.90

Finally! I found the VCD yesterday at good ole Poh Kim and it was going for 50%! Happy... Wasted no time in tearing off the package and indulged myself in love,drama and death. Part of the reason why I was quite persistent in getting hold of this movie was reading that one of the actresses commited suicide in Feb last year. She died at the age of 25. What a pity right? I thought to myself, she's got everything going for her...career, looks and fame yet she chose to end her life. But guess all these could be the very reason that adds to her depression. Below are some pictures, guess it's quite easy to figure out who's the one.

Evacuation Chart

click on chart to enlarge

QNS: How to determine the hardness and weight??

Of Things Kimchi
Trying to get hold of this korean drama. This is a 2002 production, considering the korean wave here, surprisingly none of the shop staff approached heard of it...



Esther is back but only for the week. She's flying off again Monday morning back to her little Beijing apartment. Bernard's in HongKong, Michelle soon to be Australia, brother in NZ. Gee...picking out vacation spots should be quite a breeze for me.
Today's my first time meeting Tabby and it's really been awhile since I heard someone punctuate their lines with limpeh. I just burst out laughing. Its quite fun hanging out with people lidat for a change and I find the lian in me identifying with her.

Boo!

It's been awhile...how come all my pictures disappeared?