im not ready

trace's mom is gone, both jen and esther's moms have lumps in their chest..im scared..
im not ready, really not ready... my careers not ready, my life is not ready.
jen would be getting married in may, we would be her 'sisters'
last night my cousin in china sent me pictures of his newborn baby girl, she's a december baby
one by one they die, they raise children, they get married...im not ready...
my parents are getting old, i look at them i get scared. their skin is wrinkled and blemishes appears on their faces.
last night my mom came to me and had me look at her hair. she asked if the whites are obvious enough to make her dye them. i uncover the top and tuffs of white greeted me underneath

today my boss informed me of upcoming restructuring within the teams. one of us would have to go over to another team. i was indifferent, a contact position into another contract position.

im so tired...

i am depressed... =(

Mothers are the Hardest to let go

Last week was tough. The night after news of her mom, we went to the wake and for the first time in the 13years I've known her, Ive never seen her in that state. She was all skin and bones, her face had obvious wrinkles from the extreme loss of weight. I'm tearing even as I type these words. The moment I saw her, I almost cried...I hugged her and held her hands thinking this is my friend and I barely recognize her.

What emotional torture she mustve been through and right there it seemed as if she's suddenly so many more years my senior. These experiences kinda brought her to another plane in life and what words can you offer to someone who's walked a path you've never set foot on?

As friends who's been hanging around different stages of our lives, I wanted to protect her and hope to take away some of the hurt she's made to go through.

There are words that came out from her which I'll never forget. She speaks of the intense 3 hour talk she had with her mom...well, it's just her doing the talking while her mom drifts in and out of drugged consciousness. She tells her mom how much she loves her and to forgive her for all the hurtful things she'd said and thanking her for being her mom. These 3 hours were simply saying goodbye to her mom. This would be closure for them. Her mom did not open her eyes but trace knew she heard cos tears rolled down her mom's cheeks.

Finally its this sms I received from her saying how she couldnt stop crying and everything reminded her of mom. She cant believe mom's not coming back and she really misses her..

Have you ever missed someone so much, you dont wish to recover from it cos you fear it will make you forget them? Though it hurts viciously, you hang on not wishing to let it go and you rather go on hurting and hurting and hurting..

Oct 22nd 2006 Sunday 9:40am
Trxcx: Just to let you know..my mum is dying at d hospital now..dun ve 2 come 2 visit..really..I'll let u know when she pass away.

I woke up to that msg and could nv get back to sleep again. I asked when she thinks it will be...no reply

Oct 23rd 2006 Monday 10:30am
Trxcx: We're also not sure and donno whats next..will update u there re new devmts.

Oct 23rd 2006 Monday 7:55pm
Trxcx: My mum has passed away. am fine..she went peacefully while i was lying on her..

Trxcx was among the clique of friends I've know since sec 3. One year ago we went to her house for Chinese New Year. Six months ago we watched Dim Sum Dollies with her mom. I remember her mom's face and am glad memory of her stays that way.

If I can have things my way, I too would rather the chance to spend the last few minutes with my loved ones and watch them slip away. This then being called up and rushing down to find them already departed. It's like I missed some window of transistion from living to non.
Quirky, but I would like a final goodbye, a 'this is it' moment where I, with all knowledge of how absolutely no control I have of things to say: I am letting you go

Do we need a wake-up call every now and then to remind ourselves to speak more with our parents. Be kinder to them. Have ong chai soup vegetable for the past 3 meals consecutively and feel lucky there's even a meal on the table. It's a roll-coaster ride of emotions. We go all bad, feel guilty and it's hey mom/dad I love you again. Quite pathetic if you ask me, but it will always happen and that is a fact.

I stopped hugging my parents since....I cant remember when. However I do know it's only during Uni days whenever I depart from Singapore for Perth warrants me the chance to hug them goodbye. These hugs are warranted and now that I'm back for good. I no longer have any 'reasons' to hug them. Why does it take someone to leave before we feel 'safe' enough to extend those arms? And why did I just use the word 'safe'?

These days look at what sorry display I leave myself with: when my mom retires for the night, I would go to her room and chat with her till she drifts off to sleep. I would then back up against her back and feel her rythmic breathes and it will make me feel everything is all right again.

And then there are the sucky days..
Feel sad today and I dont know why. As Im typing this now, this is how I feel. Maybe it's "More than words can say" which I've put on repeat. Emotional suicide isnt it? Gets all my spirit down and Im mopping around with why Im feeling so. Then you say 'simple. Turn it off'. I know that. But somehow somethings making me not click that stop button. I'd better go watch some TV..